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Monday, April 29, 2013

So you like Sleeping Do YOU!!! ROOM SERVICE 101




Well I see you are STILL SLEEPING, I've been up for HOURS!

Good morning MY darlings!

ROOM SERVICE 101.........Wakey Wakey, its dawn…I see you sleeping! So ….are you? Thought you could sleep! Ah yes, the eyes are tight shut and you are snoring as usual.  What is the matter with you it is 5:00 a.m. I’ve already been prowling the morning sky for birds; a little snack before I wake you up!!!



Diva distracts, acts, stealing the morning slumber from her human!



I want my breakfast – NOW!


Do you hear ME, my day job at the theatre starts at 11:00 a.m. Just in time for English elevenses....the civilized hour for sipping tea before noon!.

I'm ready to perform....however I do have an ulterior motive  FOOD!(shaking her head and hips, wagging her tail in defiance  - tap, tap, tap)!! Get UP!

Oh.... I see toes..dare to me bite them!
I have plans for you…..thought I was innocent, oh yes, my sweet darling face could have been give away. (Smirking) But it isn’t.it isn't!   Humans have one purpose ONLY …to SERVE DIVA CATS!!!!!!

I promise to:  Make you jump out of your skin, yell in your ear with meows that will shatter glass!!! Before 7:00 a.m.!!! Can you dig it girl???
For those new kittens on the block here are the STEPS you need to take. (get your paws ready to take notes with a bowl of milk!). A refresher for the seasoned cats!

How to GET YOUR BREAKFAST NOW @^..^@ - :  10 point version:

1)      Observe your human;
2)      Carefully jump on the bed not to make any motion;
3)      Watch their face, are they snoring (if so creep up to the right or left ear and sit for a moment);
Planning the strategy!!!!
Distracting Aliens


4)      Breathe deeply, expanding the lungs, position yourself until you are one inch from their ear canal – then MEOW in an Operatic voice (KNOWN AS THE BUGLE CALL). 



Diva in fine Operatic form


Oh I see the canine has left the room with tail tucked in fright!



        5)      I love to see my human JUMP OUT OF HER SKIN!!!
LOL ha ha;

        6)      Plan B: if that doesn’t work, look for any exposed feet or toes! You may bite -JUST ENOUGH! You always get what YOU want;
      7)      Jump, on them. Walk over to the bedside table.Knock over the pen, tea cup or electric alarm clock (if it is electric, tap the cord with your paw and send it crashing to the floor);

Oh I expect you will hear moans and groans from YOUR HUMAN SERVANT…..DON’T WORRY. 
 Be ready to duck for throwing objects your way and flaying arms;

  8)      BE pursistant……the goal is to get them up and into the kitchen…FOOD IS THE PRIME DIRECTIVE…..compared to Feline or Dolphins, humans aren't the most intelligent species;
     9)      Sit outside the bedroom door; continue to scream at them glass shattering meows….eventually they will get out of bed;
  
    10)   Keep meowing at them even in the kitchen;
    11)   Look sweet and deserving…that will get them all the time;

Darling my SweeNESS pose 4 YOU
    12)   Devour your breakfast
 (nonchalantly) wash your face and sit with your back turned away from them….this will annoy them greatly;


Remember to strike the ears in a V formation like radar…pretending to be an Egyptian Sphinx.  Even if they talk to you sweetly…IGNORE THEM ^..^

Remember MY DARLINGS……..YOUR HUMAN IS THERE TO SERVE YOU AT ANYTIME, BREAKFAST, LUNCH OR DINNER!!!


Remember your ancestors...they wrote the book on 'how to' manipulate humans and control them.

&^..^&click on the thumbnails to see my in FULL LIFE!

Well, next week I'll test you to see how you have purformed!!!!

Write to me and let know who YOU DID!


See you next week....

similar blog posts: http://divapaws4advice.blogspot.ca/2013/04/so-you-want-little-melody-with-your_15.html

Friday, April 12, 2013

So YOU want a little melody with your coffee - do you??


Well Hello MY Darlings!

I've been UP for hours....I expect you are if you are reading this.  Like most felines your humans provide you with plenty of entertainment at all hours of the day (they remind you of mice sometimes don't they).   Just when she thinks I am quietly sleeping or dreaming, I am actually thinking up clever plans.   

As an actress, I often try the raw material at home, then develop the scenes at the theatre which provides for entertainment between sets. This one is called "So YOU want a little melody with your coffee -- DO YOU".

Let me entertain you....with my singing!!!!
 How about some drama in your face? 

Humans are either morning or not ..take mine -- she is NOT.. LOL!!!

There is my human shuffling in and out of her slippers. One eye opened.... absent minded, reaching out for the on switch of the coffee maker.  Diva with elliptical saucers, intent to make contact with her human whose eyes resemble slits like light trying to penetrate an open doorway in the darkness.  

Diva sits for a moment, strategy's her plan of attack!!!  “We know you aren’t a morning person are we human.   Well, I love to play with you like a mouse, are you ready…are you”. “Let the show begin”.


You think the clock radio is loud, you haven’t heard anything yet.   Diva runs into her Cat Cave, just enough room to stretch her body to its’ full length.  Standing on her perfect paws, she starts to practice her operatic scales…(Meow, meeeeooooow, meeeooooooo).   


The glass beaker shatters in the bathroom!
Pitter -patter to human feet scurrying (tripping over her feet) to effect damage control. The voice is raspy more like scorched grass, not quite a fire breathing dragon...only I can do that. "Diva another broken glass, smashed on the floor. I don't have an unlimited supply...not as if I have a prop disposal at your beck and call." “You know I can’t abide plastic”.  

Again, Diva in full force shatters the air with another orchestral performance.   The gentle gurgle, gurgle is no competition.  Turning her head human looks annoyed.  Diva sits threshold of the kitchen doorway in different and defiant, plonks down taking ownership of the space.  “Well human, you know what I want M I L K, M I L K”.
How long do I HAVE TO WAIT!!!
“Ok, OK you are so persistent, you don’t give us and play those psychological games, tugging at my heart strings, and I suppose you think I’m a marsh-mellow”.   “Well, human if the shoe fits, remember what I do for a living a psychology, I have been studying you for years”.  





“Alright you win again, if this means peace and quiet the MILK is on this way”.
Diva spins in delight watching the reward cascading as a waterfall into the dish, eyes gleaming in triumphant victory. 


 Looking back several times Diva trots to her breakfast nook in the living room while the sun rays add a gentle glow to her abode.  Almost filling her nose Diva dives in lapping the milk splashing her whiskers as waves to a kayak.    



 Jumping on her favorite table she sleeps in the sunlight dreaming and thinking of more plots for her human.   Kittens, don't forget to take notes..........!!!!

Think I'm sleeping? NO just plotting my next DRAMA!

 Well, MY Darlings!  Remember to be creative with your humans they are like a three legged stool. Subject to be unbalanced in the morning and easily pursuaded.......LOL.